At present...

Saved this as a draft, dated 07 February, I think.

Wow. Reading that made me panic some. A tiny, devious kernel of panic sliding down my system, wreaking small bursts of havoc in its meandering descent. Small steps, small steps, and all that. I'd hyperventilate if I were the type of person who hyperventilates.

So, right now (at present). I have the gloom-and-doom prospect of midterms hanging over my head. And all I can think about is how I need to buy shoes. I'm not even kidding, I always feel like I'm perpetually behind on everything. It's like a curse. I have really screwed up priorities apparently. Hmm. I've been noticing recently that I only ever use these blog-things whenever I feel like shit, or when I feel like talking about school. That's not cool.

Anyway. Some updates on that:

• I did finally buy new shoes. But I don't like them all that much; it was a moment of desperation.
  
• I'm still pretty scared, and I think I am the type of person who hyperventilates. But I usually only do it in the bathroom when I'm alone.
  
• I still haven't seriously studied for midterms. The most that I've done is make squiggly little notes about development discourse, etc. (I don't even know what).
  
• I feel marginally better, less shitty and all that.
  

Ok, maybe not that last one. I feel kind of funny, I think. I was talking to a friend a couple of weeks ago, and he made a comment about how much I've changed since last year.

I don't hang out with the same people anymore. Never mind the fact that I don't really have much of a social life these days anyway. I just really like my life right now. There are the usual gaping holes, of course. But they just make me appreciate what I do have even more. That sounds really dorky, I know. (I'm sorry.)

The thing is, I probably have changed. And it might have been for the better, but regardless, I had to let go of a lot of things to get where I am today. And going back isn't... viable in some ways. Leaving -- it's almost like dying. Immortalized in the hole I left behind, roughly the same size and shape of the 19-year-old I was when I got on that plane, the shadows of other people's memories and perceptions pooling black in its Stygian trenches. These small, impenetrable changes chipping away at that illusion every time I go back and try to occupy the same space. But this is getting depressing. I missed out, yes. But in some ways I gained so much more, too. And that's something I haven't entirely been comfortable with.

Wow, I haven't been this sappy in a long time. I miss people though, I miss driving down EDSA and C5 at night (the pervasive gold of street lights, that whole mass of strangers suspended in time and immovable traffic), I miss driving around the UP Acad Oval (sunlight buffeted and tamed by the filter of trees, that floating sometimes grotesque timelessness of people streaming by with dreams on their shoulders), I miss being a part of something I grew up in, grew up with. I miss people, or maybe it's the relationships I miss, the dynamics that arise from knowing people for years -- their quirks, their frailties, their failures and successes -- from contributing to those, from being a part of those, from learning from those. I miss my dad. He's such a big part of who I am, who I want to be. His history, his family's history -- I draw so much from them, fuel for my motivations, a leash on my neck... money in my wallet. (I'm kidding.)

Costs and benefits, right?
(I should go to sleep, what am I doing?)